MONDAY
***************************************
Harmony: Cyrus, huh, right. Peaches' friend. (Peaches nods) What's your question?
Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?
Harmony: Eww! That's rude! I barely know you! (Cyrus looks sideways at the other vamps in confusion) Uch, and you're a minion!
Mort: He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan?
Harmony: Ohhh! The plan! (laughs in embarrassment) Ah, well, first lemme tell you I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys-
Mort: (yelling) When?!
Harmony: (yelling) Tonight! (more calmly) We kill the slayer ... tonight.
(Real Me)
***************************************
Fortune Cookies:
"In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light", and there was still nothing, but you could see it."
---Dave Thomas, SCTV
Ximinez: "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again." (Exit and exeunt)
Chapman:" I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. "
(JARRING CHORD) (The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!"
---(Grahm Chapman, Michael Palin "The Spanish Inquisition" Monty Python)
"I'm not intending to imply insult or judgment here but I am curious to know in order to be able to respond to your posts in an appropriate manner, so please forgive what appears to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid?"
---Melinda Shore
Willy Wonka: "I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing."
---Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
TUESDAY
*************************************************
Xander: "You are looking at the new local distributor for Boost Bars. 'The natural food bar that provides a nutritional energy boost foractive, health-conscience people.' (sits) Want one?"
Willow: "No. Thanks. Those things usually taste . . kind of tasteless. And then leave a bad after-tastelessness."
Xander: (taking out a bar) "Well, don't let the healthy scare you. Check out these ingredients. (pointing at label) See? Loaded with fatty goodness."
(The I in Team)
**************************************************
Fortune Cookies:
"Fools rush in where fools have been before."
---Unknown
Spokesman: "How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you're trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass' tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco's amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic '76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting."
Here's how it works: "Catch a bass, remove the hook, and drop the bass - that's the whole bass - into the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. [ drops the bass into the blender ] Now, adjust the control dial so that the bass is blended just the way you like it. [ turns blender on and grinds it to a pulp ] Yes, it's that simple!"
Bass-Drinker: [ drinks a glassful of bass ] "Wow, that's terrific bass!"
---(Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman"Super Bass-O-Matic", SNL)
"Art is making something out of nothing and selling it."
---Frank Zappa
"Health food makes me sick."
---Calvin Trillin
WEDNESDAY
****************************************
Willow: "How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?"
Buffy: "I thought that was the point."
(Wild at Heart)
***************************************
Fortune Cookies:
"You can't give these sort of clothes to the poor. Haven't they got enough to contend with without the added humiliation of wearing last season."
---Edina, Absolutely Fabulous
Cher: "Do you prefer "fashion victim" or 'ensembly challenged' "?
---Clueless
"It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, and important to friendship that we are not. "
---Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook
"Never wear anything that panics the cat."
---P.J. O'Rourke
THURSDAY
*******************************
Giles: "I can't believe you served Buffy that beer."
Xander: "I didn't know it was evil."
Giles: "You knew it was beer."
Xander: "Well, excuse me, Mr. 'I spent the sixties in an electric-kool-aid-funky-Satan groove.' "
Giles: " It was the early seventies and you should know better."
(Beer Bad)
*********************************
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
---Lily Tomlin
"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature."
---- Tom Robbins
The Church Lady: "Oh, I don't know, could it be.... SATAN? "
---(Dana Carvey, SNL)
Kryten: "My goodness. I do believe I'm drunk. I suddenly feel the need... to strut my funky stuff!"
---Red_Dwarf/Series_III
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
---Ernest Hemingway
FRIDAY
******************************************
Buffy: "La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi." (looks at Willow) "Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?"
Willow: "No. But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.' "
Buffy: "Maybe that's what I was feeling.'
Willow: "And you said it wrong."
Buffy: "Oh, je stink."
(School Hard)
*******************************************
Fortune Cookies:
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language."
---Mark Twain
"'I wish life was not so short,' he thought. 'Languages take such a time, and so do all the things one wants to know about.'"
---J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lost Road
"I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it."
---Queen Juliana, of the Netherlands
"If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world."
---Heinrich Heine
Arthur: "Well, what are you, then? "
French Guard: "I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?! "
Galahad: "What are you doing in England?"
French Guard: "Mind your own business!"
Arthur: "If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!"
French Guard: "You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!"
Galahad: "What a strange person."
---Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Michael Palin Monty Python & the Holy Grail
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