MONDAY
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Willow: "Carpe diem. You told me that once."
Buffy: "Fish of the day?"
Willow: "Not 'carp'! Carpe. It means seize the day."
(Surprise)
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fortune cookies:
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
---Steven Wright
"Say all you have to say in the fewest possible words, or your reader will be sure to skip them; and in the plainest possible words or he will certainly misunderstand them."
---John Ruskin
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it."
---Ferris Bueller's Day Off
"If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur."
---Doug Larson
"CALIFORNIA: From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for sexual intercourse. or fornication. Hence: 'Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex.' "
---Ed Moran, Covina, California
WEDNESDAY
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Giles: "Toth."
Riley: "What?"
Buffy: "He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron."
Giles: "No, Toth's the name of the demon."
(The Replacement)
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Fortune Cookies:
Laura: "The British have always been kind to mad people. "
---Brief Encounter
"The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization."
---Sigmund Freud
Colonel Mustard: "Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?"
Wadsworth: "You don't need any help from me, sir."
Colonel Mustard: "That's right!"
---Clue
"Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you call them something, you're a mile away and you have their shoes"
---Unknown
FRIDAY
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Willow: "So we're looking for a beastie."
Giles: "That eats humans whole--except for the skin."
Buffy: "This doesn't make any sense."
Xander: "Yeah, the skin's the best part."
Buffy: "Any demons with high cholesterol?"
Giles: "..."
Buffy: "You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh."
(Go Fish)
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Fortune Cookies:
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
---Redd Foxx
"Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master,
At which the audience never fail to laugh?"
---Aristophanes
"Tried to amend my carnivorous habits.
Made it nearly seventy days,
Losin' weight without speed, eatin' sunflower seeds,
Drinkin' lots of carrot juice and soakin' up rays.
But at night I'd have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat.
Not zucchini, fettucini, or bulgar wheat,
But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat.
Cheeseburger is paradise.
Heaven on earth with an onion slice.
Not too particular, not too precise.
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.
I like mine with lettuce and tomato,
Heinz Fifty-seven and French fried potatoes.
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer.
Well, good God Almighty, which way do I steer
For my cheeseburger in paradise.
Heard about the oldtime sailor men,
They eat the same thing again and again;
Warm beer and bread they say could raise the dead.
Well, it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn.
But times have changed for sailors these days.
When I'm in port I get what I need;
Not just Havanas or banana or daiquiris,
But that American creation on which I feed!
Cheeseburger is paradise medium rare with mustard'd be nice
Not too particular, not too precise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise.
I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and french fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draught beer
Well, good god Almighty which way do I steer
For a cheeseburger in paradise
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice.
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice
To get a cheeseburger in paradise;
To be a cheeseburger in paradise.
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise."
---Jimmy Buffet, "Cheeseburger in Paradise"
"Laughter is by definition healthy."
---Doris Lessing
"It's Finger Lickin' Good"
---Kentucky Fried Chicken advertising slogan
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